“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Matthew 5:9
In my experience, Peace is not given, but earned. Conflict will escalate into hate only if the offended party allows it. It is obvious that America is suffering from escalating negative emotions that, in the last several years, have crept into our lives and homes.
After the 2016 presidential election, the disappointment in the losing candidate has had the added effect of fostering loud vocal anger, in print, on social websites, the workplace, institutions of learning, in large public speaking arenas, and even in the major media.
I was on a Facebook news site and noticed how the political left and right jabbed at each other...mercilessly. When I stepped back to analyze the comments individually, it reminded me of a friend of mine who pointed out how we all are like a symphony. He said if C,E, and G are played separately, we would only hear one note at a time, but when they are played together, it became a C major chord.
So too is the importance of seeing all sides of a situation to really understand the breadth and depth of an issue. With only one view, all of us are stiffed from gaining the fullness of answers.
It is difficult to assess why there is so much anger. I have thought that it may just be disappointment or fear of the unknown. Another more sinister theory is that society itself is changing and causing a schism in social norms, forcing a rift or battle for power. This kind of assessment would require an in-depth social/physiological study to discover the underlying causes. One I am not capable of addressing.
What I do want to address is what each of us can do to reduce the tension in our relationships with others. If we are to be good citizens in a functioning society, we must learn to work and live with one another in a peaceful way. Therefore, I am proposing a way to address conflict...and learn to adapt it into our lives in order to achieve peace with others. See the links at the bottom for the references I have incorporated into this essay.
Conflict
Most people either attack or escape from a conflict. Few naturally try to work it out.
Most people either attack or escape from a conflict. Few naturally try to work it out.
Attack Responses: These are wrong attempts to win a fight...ultimately damaging a relationship.
- Put Downs — Attacking others with harsh and cruel words.
- Gossip — Talking about others behind their backs
- Fight — Using physical force to get our way
Escape Responses:
- Denial — Pretending that a conflict does not exist or refusing to do what we can to repair it.
- Blaming — Blaming others for the problem, pretending we did nothing wrong, covering up what we did, lying. Blaming someone or covering up one's own mistakes only makes conflict worse.
- Avoidance — Prolonging the problem by avoiding the other person. Avoidance only delays the inevitable.
Resolution:
Conflict is not necessarily bad or destructive. It can be an opportunity for improvement. Step back from the conflict and ask yourself whether you are doing all you can to work it out.
Resolution responses: .
- Overlook an Offense — Deal with an offense yourself by simply deciding to forgive a wrong.
- Think before you speak... Or before you act... Or before you confront someone.
- Get Help — Ask someone who you respect to help you decide how to handle the conflict you are involved in. Wise unbiased choices are better than self serving choices. Selfishness will not lead to happiness. The wise way is to make right choices, seek good advice from respected leaders, and in return respect others.
- Talk it out - Going directly to the other person to work out the disagreement.
Tips to remember before conflict occurs:
Conflict starts in the heart. The choices we make are deliberate. Why we escalate a conflict is something deep inside us that only WE can understand fully. Dig deep to find out the why of your motives.
Choices have consequences. For good or bad, the choices we make will affect us and others.
A respectful appeal can prevent conflict in the future, and likely to be heard. This includes the words we speak, our tone of voice and our body language (making eye contact and avoiding bad gestures, facial expressions or posture).
Use STAR to remember how to engage others.
- Stop yourself before choosing to say or do something that will cause conflict.
- Think about why you want to appeal and what words to use.
- Appeal (Ask): Use "I" messages and questions, and communicate your appeal in a civil manner.
- Respond respectfully whether the other person answers yes or no.
The Hatfield and McCoys were two families in West Virginia and Kentucky in 1863. They initiated a feud that resulted in an ongoing cycle of death for years, and probably never was resolved. Words can cause us to descend into a spiraling dark hole of hate, hurtful actions, and potentially with deadly results.
If we wish America to be a symphony of beautiful music, it doesn't start with the President, or Congress, or State and City officials; it starts with each one of us.
By ourselves, we are only one note, together we are a chord. We must confront the conflict of words for healing and peace. Let us look at our own weaknesses, find help to gain inner strength, and be strong enough to let go of our hate... only then can we truly expect America to become a healed nation.
Test your own anger with Dr. Ryan Martin's angry conditions scale test:
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