Two Cows

Major Government Systems – using the two cow philosophy

I thought I'd take a break from my serious side and bring in some humor. I haven't seen this in years and thoroughly enjoyed the humorous comparison of governments and economies to that of two cows.  The original idea started in Canada, but in 1938 a column in the Chicago Daily Tribune posted this from and address by Silas Strawn at the Economics Club in November of 1935. The article has been modified from many sources to include other models.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You steal your neighbor's bull and ignore the      government.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows and donate them to the government. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk and gives you an allotted amount in return.

CHINESE COMMUNISM: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's. 

CUBAN COMMUNISM: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY (A republic): You have two cows. The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk from those cows depends on the interaction between the people and the checks and balances mentioned above.      Note: The government taxes you on your two cows and, in the form of a gift, supports a man in a foreign country who has only one cow.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidize your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.

LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

BUERACRACY: Same as New Dealism, but then requires you to fill out                               forms accounting for the missing cows.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.

PURE SOCIALISM:   You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FINNISH SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.

SAUDIISM: You have two cows. Since milking the cow involves nipples, the government decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other side.

TALIBANISM: You have two cows. At first, the government makes them wear burkas, but later shoots them because "they are Hindu religious symbols."

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

AN INDEPENDENT: Has to wait for the cow the Republican and Democrat fight over.

Economics - using the two cow philosophy.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CAPITALISM - AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

A TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels and the Jews.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A COWSMIC VIEW OF WORLD ORGANIZATION

ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes.

AUSTRALIANISM: You have two cows. You take one to the beach and teach it to surf, then you bung the other one on the barbie, drink some VB, and laugh at the idea of a surfing cow.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!

DARWINISM: You have two cows. They develop opposable thumbs and milk you.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.

PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with two differently-aged bovines of non-specified gender.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.